Two-A-Days

After a month of living on a couch, I return to the internet to write crappy jokes comparing Jon Gruden to a Pokemon collector trying to catch all the quarterbacks.  To make up for the lost time Matt and I have decided to steel from every sports blog and show to do two-a-days.  Normally when they do it, they talk about a couple different teams a day but instead we're actually going to be practicing twice a day.  It wont really make up for the lost time like I said it would but it should get us in top blogging shape for the upcoming season.

Tennis can be exciting?

On Sunday, Rafael Nadal beat Roger Federer in what is being called the greatest match of all time. The game was watched in the United States by approximately 3 women and a dog. In his defense, the dog couldn't find the remote.

Thoughts on the American Olympic Tryouts

I have watched several different events in the tryouts for this year's Olympic team and I have one question. Where can I get one of those crazy-fast Star Trek Speedo swimsuits?

The Wrong Kind of Hit and Run

Bills' second-year running back Marshawn Lynch just plead guilty to being behind the wheel when his SUV hit a woman in Buffalo. His punishment? A $150 fine and a temporary loss of his driver's license. Great, now how's he going to get to Ralph Wilson for games? Surely he can't afford to have someone else drive him around. Actually, that's a good idea for a TV series: Driving Mr. Lynch.

Umpires gone wild.

After an incident where a Mets player was arguing with an umpire about a strike call, Mets manager Jerry Manuel came out to support and protect his player as he should. However, as he was arguing, the umpire intentionally bumped Manuel and then ejected him. Players and managers cannot touch umpires in any way. But apparently, umpires can touch managers, because really, who's going to eject them?

#1 in crowd security

One of the many secrets we have here at Life on the Bandwagon is we're rather excited about the football season starting.  Even thought one of the most exciting things of college football is watching the students rush the field after an upset I've come up with a way for universities to stop this.  In the past police, college student's best friends, were used to try and prevent students from bringing down the goal post.  As shown by this picture police don't have the respect they once did.

That's why I bring you the #1 force in crowd controll: the velvet rope.

Sports injures

Being that soccer hasn't discovered the golf cart to carry injured players off the field, I propose that FIFA hire clowns to carry the stretcher.  I dislike clowns as much as the next guy, but it would just be too funny to watch the clowns put the stretcher down next to an injured player, only to pick up the soccer ball, place it on the stretcher, and walk off the field.

Update:  Today I realized what gave me the idea for this.  I stole it from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.

Tiger Woods Shocks The World

We all know by now that Tiger Woods won the US Open over the 138th-ranked player in the world (which is kind of like Curt Schilling striking out a little-leaguer) on Monday. That's not what is shocking here. He announced today that he ruptured his ACL and will be out for the rest of the season. Which, I'm pretty sure, is code for "needed to go back to his home planet for a recharge." His warranty is up, so that's going to be expensive.

Great. What do I have to watch now? Baseball? Time to go into a sports-coma until September. Maybe I'll start getting into cricket...

Who says Monday isn't good for sports?

First off, hello everyone! I'm Matthew and I will be joining Joey here as a writer at The Bandwagon. I will try to cover topics that Joey may miss and try to provide a counterpoint to him as well. Now, on to the actual post!

Traditionally Monday is usually a dead day for sports, especially during the summer months. The races are done on Sunday, a lot of baseball teams are off, and the golf tournaments have completed. Not this Monday. As I write this, Tiger Woods and Rocco Mediate are going at each other in the only 18-hole playoff in professional golf, after Woods hit an amazing putt on the 72nd hole yesterday to send it into extra time. While that is going on, over on ESPN a great soccer game is about to begin. Thanks to the genius who does programming over there they now air the major European tournaments live. If you're willing to do a little channel flipping, sometimes there are some good sports on on Mondays.

Everyone else football

Even with training camp and arena football going on you might find that you still want football.  Nothing will quench your thirst for football, but soccer can distract you for long enough.  The Euro Cup has been going on for over a week now, and other than wanting to buy my parents dog a Bucs jersey, I haven't really thought of it.  The games might be low scoring but it more than makes up for it with a lack of commercials.  There's no need to watch a commercial for a girl drink that is trying to be "hard" when everyone else football is on the tv.

One of the few things better than a corner kick is listening to Jim Rome bitch about how he hates soccer.  What's that, Jim?  Your show isn't going to be on at all this week because of soccer, a sport you hate.  I'm sorry soccer isn't as exciting as golf, Jim, but some sports require you to not smoke and drink while you play them.  I don't even know if Jim Rome is really big into golf but today he was bitching about soccer then started talking about golf.  I don't have any problems with golf, I just don't think someone that makes a living talking about sports should ignore the most popular sport in the world.

Europe, keep turning out great soccer players to entertain me, and keep wearing those scarves.  You're like the cousin that went to art school then moved to NYC.

More on Tortorella

With John Tortorella gone, many Lightning fans are experiencing something called depression.  Fear not, for I have come up with a coping mechanism.  Quarts for Torts.  Gather your change, head to the store and buy a quart of your favorite malt liquor.  While drinking your quart, you may want to look at videos of Torts on youtube, look at pictures of him with the cup, or cry.

You will be missed

History Lesson

For the 11th time the Celtics and Lakers will be playing in the NBA finals. Sure it's easy to look up who won, but what's the point? You want the obscure stories to tell the girl at the sports bar that doesn't care. So I give to you 9 facts you wont hear on ESPN.

1962, Game 1: Celtics Bill Russell performs the NBA's first slam dunk on his own basket, giving the Lakers 2 points.

1962, Game 7: Lakers Elgin Baylor missed the game due to being on a “hot streak” at a casino. The Lakers lost the game and series.

1962, Game 7: Lakers Frank Selvy missed the game winning shot, claiming he was upset about an argument he had with a parrot earlier in the day.

1969, Game 2: Lakers Jerry West prayed for a victory before the game and had his prayer answered. In a post game interview, West forgot to thank god. The Celtics went on to win game 3 and the series.

1984, Game 1: Inspired by Dock Ellis, Celtics Gerald Henderson, takes LSD before the game. He is benched after showing up wearing a day-glo jersey.

1984 Game 3: Coach Riley promises the team Happy Meals if they win. Riley is forced to confiscate Magic Johnson's toy for “horsing around”

1985, Game 1: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar loses faith in horoscopes after reading that he would have a good day.

1985, Game 3: Referees make a rule disallowing mascots from “shenanigans.” The rule is overturned after one game.

1987: Boston Coach K.C. Jones attempts to train a dog to play basketball, but was unsuccessful. Boston lost the series without it's secret weapon. Disney went on to make a movie based on this event called Air Bud.

Triple Crown Update

People in the studio: Lets go to our on the track reporter, Pam Oliver.

Pam Oliver: I'm here with Big Brown.  So, Big Brown, how is your hoof doing?
Big Brown: ...